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Silver Ritual

  • Also known as ... "Shaking the trees."

  • You are permitted one request.

  • I will inscribe your request upon a parchment.

  • I will burn a "Candle of Darkness". 

  • I will burn your parchment request in the "Flame of Eternity" ... Thus ensuring fruition. 

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Golden Ritual

  • Also known as ... "Lighting a firecracker in God's ass."

  • The Golden Ritual includes everything in the Silver Ritual ... And in addition ...  

  • I will conduct a "Full Ceremony" complete with Robes ... a Sword ... and six "Candles of Darkness". 

  • No less than five Satanic Priests shall participate in the "Full Ceremony". 

  • If you are deemed worthy ...... We will summon an actual lime green Demon.

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Platinum Ritual

  • Also known as ...... "Конец" (The End) 

  • If you are a major league Satanic Pimp ... Then the Platinum Ritual is the only way to roll!!! 

  • The Platinum Ritual includes everything in the Golden Ritual ... And in addition ...  

  • Your ceremony will be attended by a Celebrity Satanist ... With a full Meet and Greet at the conclusion.

  • Past celebrity Satanists have included Jimmy Page of Led Zeppelin ... Ozzy Osbourne of Black Sabbath ... and Pee Wee Herman. 

  • If you are deemed worthy ...... I will perform the "Consecration of Leviathan" ... I will Fuck You in the Ass during the ceremony ... Once my Level 5 • Magus • Satanic Sperm has entered your Anus ... You shall possess many of the same magical powers that I am endowed with. 

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  • Since I do not believe in Capitalism ... All rituals are performed free of charge. 

  • I alone shall determine which services you are worthy of. 

  • If your Anus hurts after the Platinum ceremony ... That is Your problem ... Don't make a big thing out of it. 

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